H-P's CEO Mark Hurd Live Webcast

HP's CEO is on CNBC, live, as I type. For those without access, or looking for info after the fact, here are my notes, literally taken on the fly...

CEO Mark Hurd:

"I'm going to start by blaming this whole debacle on those people stealing strawberries... [unintelligible voice of HP lawyer]... er... leaking confidential info. We don't allow leaks... unless of course it was a part of the Board's strategy. So I must say I was shocked- SHOCKED!- to discover there have been non-Board-strategy leaks going on here."

"Today I will cover the details of our investigation in vague generalities. We intend to use the same long drawn out strategy we always use, say, when rolling out new products... or designing our packaging... or even deciding which types of that sticky tape stuff we should put on those things that keep the plastic bags closed on our products. We have been in a series of meetings, will continue to attend meetings, and have already scheduled additional meetings. However, so far we don't know anything, because our meetings have been primarily about the upcoming meetings. Also, naturally, we've reorganized the investigation team twice. All this to say, you can rest assured we will make this as complicated as humanly possible in the finest traditions of H-P."

"Yes I attended a meeting where I voted for it before I voted against it. I also may have left the meeting to use the bathroom during any criminal activity that is likely to be revealed in the future. I DID score on some KONA 1, but I didn't read it, and I didn't like it. Most importantly, I_DID_NOT_GET_TRACER_TECHNOLOGY_FROM_THAT_WOMAN, MS. PATRICIA."

"I apologize to all H-P employees that we were caught. As our employees know, H-P has designed incredibly invasive systems that leave digital tracks all over the place. I mean, Hello!, it's not like the days when David Packard could just reach over and run something through a shredder! But no excuses, the fine people of our company deserve better than this, and Chairman Dunn has resigned as a result of not taking the proper steps to ensure plausible deniability."

"Speaking of our employees, I'd appreciate it if you'd get back to work. Please stop emailing and talking endlessly on the phone with each other about this mess- trust me, we know who you're talking to, and [unintelligible voice of H-P attorney]... well, I think you know what I mean [muffled laughter]."

"In conclusion, let me share several buzz words: integrity, hard work, The H-P Way, blah blah blah, yadda H-P Way yadda yadda."